UnNews:School rock'n'roll gets extra funding

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

16 January 2007

X-FM, Camden, Tuesday (Gazzo) — A £10 million package of measures to boost music education in primary schools will be led by dead composer and kids' TV star Pete Doherty, who has been named as the new "rock'n'roll ambassador."

"My former drugs problem was entirely resolved by the new Death™ one-step programme," said Doherty, spitting out grave dirt and half a worm.

Education Secretary Alan Jolson gave details of the proposals at the State of Play festival at the Dublin Castle in Camden on Tuesday. "As well as being worthwhile for its own sake, music is a powerful learning tool which can build children's confidence, teamwork and language skills," said Mr Jolson. "Children who know their rock'n'roll show a greater knowledge of practical weights and measures, such as grams and kilograms." There was still a class bias in the delivery of music education. "The working classes just don't feel comfortable with cocaine, even though a line is cheaper than a cappuccino in central London."

"Singing and shouting in rhyme is every child's first entry point to the world of music," said Mr Doherty, who before his death was leader of the Libertines, "and a powerful resource for social cohesion. Almost everyone wishes they could reliably pick up a dose of something to help them sing or rap with more confidence or that they had had a better start on their knowledge of where to buy it as children. The new campaign addresses this at the grass roots of the market: in every primary school in the country.

"By the way," he added, "I'm shagging Kate Moss."

A new songbook with a top 30 of songs for whole-class singing is to be compiled, with teachers and children nominating songs for inclusion, starting with "White Rabbit", "Sister Morphine", "The Needle And The Damage Done", "Cold Turkey", "White Line Fever", "Ebeneezer Goode" and "Chinese Rocks."

The Wet Lefties' culture spokesperson, Eighties Beardie, said that only 13% of children at primary school are learning a musical instrument. "Teaching children to sing must not simply be a cheaper alternative to giving every child the opportunity to learn an instrument," said Mr Beardie. "If we can get them to the 'four-chord' barrier on guitar, they will be doing better than ninety percent of rock musicians."

Sources

• Katherine Moss "Tea and tea, it's dynamite" New Music Hall Express, January 16, 2006