UnNews:Saint Patrick's Day Panic as Solanine Discovered in Beer
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
17 March 2014
There was widespread panic in downtown New York today following a discovery that much of the beer served in certain South End neighborhoods had apparently been left in lighted areas for too long. Beer, much like potatoes, may turn green as a result of being left in the light, which is a sign that solanine may be present in potentially dangerous quantities.
Scientists are working on a solution to the problem, but so far there seems to be no alternative to discarding beer which has turned green. Attempts to apply the solutions used for green potatoes have met with mixed success, at best.
When a potato turns green, it's still usable if one takes the simple precaution of peeling it before eating it. Attempts to peel green beer have, however, have so far failed to remedy the situation. Peeling the top of the beer has proved of little value, as most of the solanine appears within the beer, rather than in the "head". Peeling the sides of the beer have so far turned out to be disastrous, as once the thin glass "skin" is removed from the beer, it rapidly devolves into the drinker's lap, from which it's difficult to retrieve it.
Another trick used with green potatoes is to cook them, which destroys most of the solanine. Attempts at using the same solution on beer, however, have proved disappointing. It hasn't yet been ascertained whether the process destroys enough of the solanine to render the beer entirely safe. What has been determined, however, is that thoroughly boiled beer is not sufficiently drinkable for the solanine content to matter.