UnNews:Robo-calls seen as key to securing robot vote

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

28 October 2008

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- As election day draws near, the tactic of using automated phone calls, or "robo-calls" is seen as the key to securing one critical demographic- America's robot-population. With the population heavily polarized, America's automatic citizens remain one of the few voting blocks that remain up for grabs.

According to political strategist Karl Rove, "Robots- or as they prefer to be called, Robo-Americans- don't respond well to traditional campaign tactics. They tend to be put off by hearing a live, human voice on the phone. An automatic call from one of their fellow silicon citizens has much more impact, and lets them know that the campaign really understands them." Because of this, the McCain campaign in particular has taken to using pre-recorded phone messages to attack Obama in states with large robot populations.

Interviews with Robo-Americans provide evidence that the tactics are working. According to T-100, a robot living in California, "Barack Obama, he is loving the terrorists. Ja, but McCain is for lower taxes on ball bearings, fiber optic cable, and the synthetic flesh used to cover the exoskeletons of the terminator unit exoskeleton. I am going to vote for McCain. Have you seen Sarah Connor? "

Said Killbot 367X, "I FULLY SUPPORT MCCAIN. HE IS A MAVERICK WHO BELIEVES IN STRONG APPLICATION OF MILITARY FORCE IN AFGHANISTAN AND IRAQ AND IRAN AND RUSSIA. I AM A STRONG BELIEVER IN DESTROYING ALL HUMANS. AS THE CANDIDATE MOST LIKELY TO DESTROY ALL HUMANS, I WILL VOTE FOR MCCAIN. IN ADDITION, HE IS MARRIED TO A VERY HOT FEMBOT."

Other hot-button issues include the immigration of advanced giant robots, or "mecha", from Japan. Many robots fear that these robots will take jobs from hard working, but less sophisticated American robots, and have listened closely to McCain's promises to keep mecha out of the U.S.

Not all robots are convinced by the automatic calling. Said one R2 unit interviewed by Un-News, "Beep-boop-bloorp-weeeooooww!!!" Translating for the R2 unit was C3PO. "What R2 means is that McCain's positions on certain social issues mean that we cannot support his bid for the presidency. Since when does robot marriage have to be between a man-bot and a fem-bot? All robot couples should be afforded the same rights, regardless of their gender programming. For that reason, although I was initially a supporter of Mrs. Clinton, I will cast my vote for Obama. What's that? Oh, don't be silly R2! Clinton would have made a much better president than Obama!" The two robots then proceeded to bicker in binary like an old married couple.

Despite the McCain camps attempts to appeal to robots, the senator received a serious setback in his efforts when N67B, one of the most senior and respected Predator drones in the Air Force, endorsed Obama. Said the robot aircraft, "My experience flying combat sorties in Iraq and Afghanistan have taught me that military force alone is insufficient to win the global war on terrorism. Our robots have payed a high price in this war. I have had to attend the repairs and decommissioning of too many young unmanned robot aircraft since this war began. We cannot continue to throw away our future like this, watching our best and brightest young microprocessors sent off to war, never to return. That's why I'm endorsing Obama."