UnNews:Problem Page - my girl farts in her sleep

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

26 January 2013

Dear UnNews,

I am madly in love with my girlfriend, but there's just one problem - as soon as she falls asleep she begins to expel the most eye-watering farts you can imagine.

Here's some unnecessary information about our personal details which you might find surprising given this is supposed to be an anonymous message: I am 26, she is 24, and we met at my brother in law's birthday party, July 19th, at the River Bar. I was wearing a grey suit, and she was wearing a short red dress, which her mother, a local dressmaker, had made for her.

We hit it off straight away and began a whirlwind romance. Then, something strange happened. One night, I was knelt over her, giving her a back massage on her bed. The problem was, we'd had Indian for dinner, and a little crackly fart escaped me. I tried to laugh it off, but she threw me out of the house, saying it was disgusting, and that she NEVER farted.

Coughs

Slowly but surely, we reconciled, and I obviously never brought it up again, but privately I vowed to myself to keep an eye out for any trouser coughs on her part. But in 6 months, she never so much as parked a squeaker.

Then two weeks ago, I invited her to move in with me, and the floodgates opened. During the day, she continues to be her fart-free self, but I have noticed that as soon as she falls asleep, she starts to let rip. Last night she insisted on me spooning her, and her first fart was so strong I swear to God it felt like a Great Dane sneezing between my thighs.

I don't know what to do. I still really care for this girl, but I don't know how long I can handle this nocturnal assault on the senses. What should I do?

UnNews says:

This condition, while sounding rather extreme, is actually quite common among women. Men generally release their farts liberally during the day, occasionally for comic purposes or at key moments when listening to songs, but women tend to keep their bum-gas pent up, only for it to wreak havoc as soon as their lovely pretty heads touch the pillow and Mr Sandman takes them off to the land of Dream.

That doesn't make it any easier for you. From your point of view, it really comes down to one thing: how hot is she?

In our strip on the right, which dramatises your life from her point of view because sexy women sell newspapers, we have used a really busty model. Naturally, if your girlfriend looks anything like this, you should let her fart anywhere she wants, any time she likes. If she is not a perfect combination of dusky, elegant good looks and fun bags you just want to bury your face into so you can cry with joy into their fleshy gorgeousness, you might be better off telling her to stick a cork in it and fuck off.

If she is somewhere in the middle, like a 7/10 or something, a sensitive approach would be to make a list with two columns. On the left, put all the things you like about her, her qualities and good points. On the right, keep a tally of her night-farts for an entire week. After 7 days' reflection and analysis, you should be ready to make an informed, considered decision.

One key factor to bear in mind when making your decision is that no one has ever said, "The old girl is not as flatulent as she used to be." If she is known to drop a few now aged 24, what do you think she is going to be like after childbirth, or when her kidneys aren't working as well?