UnNews:Princess Peach convicted of human rights violations

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20 August 2007

Princess 'Peach' Toadstool was convicted today of human rights violations in the world court, allegedly carried out in the Mushroom Kingdom. Says Wart, the prosecuting attorney "Toadstool is a menace to human rights everywhere; she should never have been allowed to inherit the throne."

According to the evidence presented at trial, Peach had no problem ordering the kingdom's sole human inhabitants (save herself), Mario and Luigi, to attempt multiple assassinations on her chief rival for the throne, King 'Bowser' Koopa. Although not directly related to the royalty of the Mushroom Kingdom, Bowser had much support among the nobility and had over a dozen children to his name, ensuring a line after his own demise. However, critics are fast to point out that the majority of Bowser's offspring are medically insane, pointing to Izzy and Ludwig von Koopa as proof. This is in sharp contrast to Peach, who seized the throne after her father's death and had her cousins, who could have laid claim, exiled or killed.

Despite Mushroom Kingdom propaganda, according to Bowser, he was not kidnapping the princess but attempting to bring her to trial at the request of the world court. Mario, allegedly the Princess' personal assassin, was found boiled in lava shortly before the trial began. According to a mortician, he had been "stomped on by a reptilian species at least four times his size, had multiple axe wounds to the head, and may have received third degree burns BEFORE the lava came into play". When asked about this, Bowser declined comment and left into his Koopa Kopter to his floating fortress.

Perhaps the most damning evidence presented at the trial was that of the Princess' personal retainer, one 'Toad Toadington'. According to his testimony, the Princess grabbed him, stuffed him into her blouse, and used him a human shield during a fight with her "Super Smash Brothers". This testimony was proven to be the truth after hospital examiners in the nearby Hyrule Hospital discovered he had been "stabbed, sliced, burned, stomped, electricuted, and probably stabbed several more times. How someone with so slight a frame could have survived this is just completely beyond me."

The famous photograph used as proof during the trial: no one knows who took the picture

Peach's distaste for the indigenous Goomba population is also well-known, according to one Wario Wario, "She got Mario to build pipes almost ten feet tall and stuffed as many as five Goombas between them. They're too short to get out, and that would've been bad enough, but whenever Mario or Luigi wanted to she'd let them go stomp on the guys. It was horrific."

According to Toadsworth, the Princess' father's personal assistant, "She and Mario experimented on living beings, justifying it by claiming Mario's a lisenced doctor. He was a goddamn plumber; he had no medical knowledge whatsoever and his pHD is in kart racing. I can't even begin to guess how many innocent Tetris blocks and sentient viruses he had put to death in the name of his 'medicine'."

Luigi is still at large and wanted for numerous counts of homicide against the Goomba and Koopa population.

Princess Toadstool was sentenced to two hundred years in Dream Land maximum security prison on fifteen counts of genocide, eleven counts of murder, and one count of hit-and-run in Wario Stadium (claimed by Donkey Kong). Upon trading in her trademark pink dress for prison orange, she jumped out of the prison window and began "floating around" for about three seconds, attempting to escape the prison walls, before falling to the ground where she was immediately arrested again. Peach maintains her innocence and has called the accusations "communist lies".

Currently, the leadership of Mushroom Kingdom has unofficially passed to King Bowser, who plans to install floating question mark blocks throughout the country and "wing it from there. Maybe kidnap Daisy or something, I dunno." The United States has suggested holding public elections for a democratically-elected president, but the populace is unfamiliar with anything but a monarchy. The only certainty is that the road ahead will be a long one for the once-proud empire of the Mushroom Kingdom.