UnNews:Oddball Medical Measurement

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

21 December 2007

New techniques for testicle measurement are continually developed.

PARIS, France - The British medical profession have laid criminal charges against a chocolate manufacturer after the firm changed the shape of two sweets that could be used to measure testicles in pubescent boys.

An Orchidometer. This is an instrument for professionals. Do not try this at home. The ball is not to scale.

The complaint focuses on wrapped chocolates called Teasers and Truffles, whose 8mm oval shape was a dead ringer for a bead used in an orchidometer - a gadget that measures testes to ensure they are developing normally.

But Teasers' and Truffles' extraordinary contribution to medical science is now doomed after their manufacturer, Masterfoods UK, changed the shape of the sweets, leaving them "bigger and flat-bottomed".

"This is a major setback to paediatric endocrinology," asserted Gareth Williams of the Welsh Rugby Board and Poontang Dharma, a paediatrician at the Royal Victoria Infirmary, Newcastle, speaking in four-part harmony.

A medical professional demonstrating self-evaluation of testicle size.

"Clearly, the original design should be reinstated. We use these scientific instruments all the time, and they have the added advantage of providing a delicious and nutritious snack immediately after use." Medical practitioners also complained that the change will make it difficult to explain certain facts to boys. "For example, I used to be able to say, 'your balls should be the size of Teasers'," complained Poontang Dharma. "Now I am reduced to comparing the testicles to marbles or golf balls. Golf balls are really more suitable for comparison to hail stones," he elaborated.

"With skilful marketing, this could play to the manufacturer's advantage: by including a simple package insert with clear, easy-to-feel instructions, young males could self-evaluate their pubertal status (while pointing out that this should ideally not be done at the point of sale)."

It would provide "a rare opportunity for the chocolate industry to become palpably involved in public-health promotion", commented Laddski Bollshevik of the Russian School of Ballet.

Sources

• News24 "Doctor's Oddball Complaint" News24, December 21, 2007