UnNews:Obama constipated amid Iraq crisis

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

20 June 2014

As far as inspiring Obama quotes go, this one is a bit of a stinker.

President Obama has admitted that the current crisis in Iraq has had a marked effect on his daily life - leaving him with chronic constipation.

"When I first became president, I had high hopes and regular bowel movements. Now, every visit to the toilet is about as much fun as pushing through healthcare reforms," the president said during a speech to recovering alcoholics.

The president has seen his optimistic 2008 slogan "Yes we can" thrown back in his face, as his trips to the Little White House have forced him to admit - to the secret service agent who always attends him during the procedure - "No, we can't."

An insider told us, "The president's bowel movements are closely monitored by staff, and frankly they have always been affected by his poll rating. And when he first realized that closing Guantanamo was going to be nearly impossible, well, it was no-go in there for a good six days."

Official poo figures for this year are not yet available to the public, but this chart shows how, between Obama's election in 2008 and 2013, the president has become increasingly hard-pushed to produce a bowel movement.

Obama's recent costiveness has been attributed to the increasing uncertainty about the future of Iraq, with Sunni insurgents threatening to violently unseat Shi'ites. Which is uncomfortably close to what the president is having trouble with.

Our source continued, "How would you like it if you had to confront the notion of working alongside Iran - and running the risk of creating Iranq, a Muslim super state? It's not being number one, and that affects a man's number twos.

"This is why in Chinese, they use the same word to mean 'something which makes you shit yourself' and 'something which makes you stop shitting'. I forget the actual word, though."