UnNews:Nuking Alaska is the only remaining option on the table
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
10 October 2008
ANCHORAGE, Alaska - Thousands of socialist baby-killing maggots rallied in the streets of Alaska, an impressive achievement as Alaska has only 4 streets and a population of 162. Sarah Palin's illegitimate children looked on in horror as the socialist hordes climbed up through the permafrost, lurching down the street with homemade signs. Some of the more haggard looking ones appeared to be using slogans from political rallies as far back as 1343.
In response to the highly organized terrorist network, George W. Bush's game of chess was interrupted by DoD and McCain rally organizers to notify him that thanks to highly observant soldiers taught to identify homemade signs- the trademark achievement of the socialist maggot- some of the Alaskan infidels had been identified attempting passage into Republican rallies. Two were apprehended and once their signs, reading 'Save the... uh... umm... whales donuts', were confiscated from them, they collapsed lifeless to the floor gasping "freedom of speech- freedom of speech!" before vaporizing, leaving a mysterious white powder on the floor. The rally was evacuated and Alaskan republicans took matters into their own hands, using hummers, RPGs and tanks, but reported that the line was failing and needed a "big mac fries to go". Palin was flown by air force one straight to the strategic command center at George W. Bush's ranch, where they shot the occasional moose together and drew some maps with crayons.
Suddenly, in an unrelated incident broadcast live on all news networks and radio stations, North Korea launched their entire nuclear facility previously located at Pyongyang using a big catapult they had been working on underground all along. It was last reported heading towards Alaska. Luckily, because North Korea's catapult is so slow and news is so fast, we will have time to interview each of the 162 Alaskan citizens and 9 moose before their destruction is complete. Stay tuned for updates.
Nuking Alaska, a move that has been considered before by the current administration 'because it's too cold', was going to be delegated to North Korea by the US as part of the six nation talks that are currently being conducted in the ancient language of the trees.
Palin, once an impressive Jedi knight, is expected to be seduced to the dark side of the force during her latest White house funded moosehunt distraction. "Once her children are destroyed by the evil terrorist's hideous plot to warm up Alaska's overall temperature using naturally occuring molecular properties, she will turn to the dark side. Only old Sith masters have the knowledge of how to travel back in time to save your children, after all." hissed the Emporer. Observers speculated that if the 'force is with' Palin she may be able to use her unnaturally good targeting abilities to turn her rifle sights to the skies and stop the incoming radioactive destruction before lives are lost. Martial law in a post-nuclear Alaska could result in such drastic measures as having to go to hockey practice all the time and shoveling the walk when it's your turn. It would also effectively leave the oil reserves open for business.