UnNews:Newsflash: Net Neutrality Nuked
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
30 June 2007
The Federal Trade Commission has rejected Net Neutrality, prompting millions of Uncyclopedians unsure of whether to cry victory or defeat.
“This is an issue I feel very strongly about,” says WOWHaxor112, “I wholeheartedly oppose Net Neutrality. Or maybe I support it? Well, whichever side of the argument that everyone else on my Starcraft message board agrees with, that’s the stance I take.”
The failure of Network Neutrality means that companies can not charge more for fast access. Or it could be the other way around. Nobody is really sure, which makes the ruling dubious at best.
“Net Neutrality? Oh, that’s about the series of tubes guy, right? He’s such an idiot! I’m really glad this bill didn’t go through." remarks AshRoxxors.
When word of Net Neutrality first spread, a veritable army of Digg commenters and YouTube posters assembled to educate everyone on how the internet would become a fascist regime if everyone took the wrong stance on the issue, whichever one that happened to be.
“Some guy explained it to me once," an anonymous Uncyclopedian said, "he told me if Net Neutrality doesn’t pass then Barnes and Noble’s website will be slow because they can’t pay the fees. I don’t really read books so I guess I shouldn’t be worried.
The most far reaching consequence of Net Neutrality is the switch from FTP (Ford Truck Protocol), which allowed users to “dump” content onto the internet, with the new TCP (Tube Collection Protocol), in which internets may take up to a week to be sent to a staff.
Senator Ted Stevens weighed in on the ruling, saying “Whether you supported or rejected Net Neutrality, the important thing is to move on and continue with your life.” He was then heard turning to his aide and asking, “Which side was I lobbying for again?”
Sources[edit | edit source]
- Some Jerk "FTC Rapes Internet" Blogotrope, June 28, 2007