UnNews:New Zealand government slams ABS

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

23 May 2008

In a recent secret government report released today, the government has revealed the hazard of drinking from bottles made of ABS plastic. “It is quite shocking, I had no idea there was any risk involved with this material,” said a source close to the government. For decades now industry has been using this material for anything from fast food packaging to nuclear warheads, but it was only the publication last year of the diaries written by the original inventor of ABS, Alfred Barrington-Smythe, which gave the first clue that there was a problem. The entry for 14 April 1959 entry reads “Invented ABS this morning. Had lunch. Always wanted to discover a way of bottling brains.” A source close to the family revealed today “It is quite shocking, I had no idea there was any risk involved with this material.”

The report explicitly states that ABS actually means ‘Acme Brain Sucker”, and that every time you drink from a bottle made of this material the lower pressure it causes within the oral cavity sucks some of your thoughts straight out of your brain and stores it in the plastic matrix that forms the walls of the bottle. A former co-worker of Alfred made the following statement this morning: “It is quite shocking, I had no idea there was any risk involved with this material.”

The government warns against further use of this material and is currently investigating new regulations that will make the use of ABS in all public open spaces a punishable offence.

Sources

• Bob Perkins "No ABS in danger..." someone, January 23, 2002