UnNews:New Street Gang Terrorizes Compton

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26 December 2006

City of Compton, Las Angelas -- A new street gang has been terrorizing the residents of Las Angelas' most infamous locale, Compton. The new gang is, police say, armed and extremely dangerous. Utilizing advanced weaponry and showing no mercy to its victims, the so-called "34th street 9-Ballers" have murdered over 40 armed rival gang members over the course of one week. On Saturday, witnesses watched in shock as solid-white World War I era airplane swooped out of the sky and decended to an altitude of 3 feet above street level, allegedly blasting Dr. Dre's platinum hit "Rat-Tat-Tat-Tat" over a 1000-watt stereo system while the 6 large Black men on board mowed down gang members with automatic fire.

"That theres was some whack-ass [explitive deleted]," remarked the 300-lb leader of the Southside Crackslingers, William "Krispy Chicken Stripzz" Wallace. "Wit dat chromed out plane bustin caps up in all my niggaz' black asses, I though fo sho' my ass was dead! Good thang fo' me I got me 15 Glock-40 peices in mah coat! They done blocked all dem [expletive deleted] bullets!"

Wallace was one of the lucky ones. One man, who Wallace described as his "main-ass nigga," Martin "Teeth" McHenry was found dead with over 67 bullet wounds and landing-gear imprints on his chest.

We have had the privilege to speak with the leader of the 34th Street 9-Ballers, Alan "T-Rexxx" Samuels. When asked why he had felt it necessary to go to war with the Southside Crackslingers, he had this to say:

"See nigga, it's all a matter of respect. Me and Krispy had some beef goin' over a shipment, so I raped his daughter and he shot my brother. No big deal until the nigga ragged on mah chain, tellin' me that he saw better shit at Macy's. So I told him to call his crew and I'd call mine. I just happened to have the foresight to equip my crew with rapid fire machine guns and a pimped-out airplane. His lack of leadership caused the death of peeps."

Samuels declined to comment as to how he had come into possession of the airplane.

Police forces have stepped up their efforts to apprehend the men on board the airplane who performed the actual shooting.

"If those monkey-assed niggers think that they can get away with killing other monkey-assed niggers, they are sorely mistaken," said Police Commissioner Charles Casey. "I will give them one thing, though, they certainly have good taste in music."

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