UnNews:New LA court created for OJ lawsuits

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20 December 2006

Simpson was pissing on the warehouse of legal documents implicating him in criminal and civil wrongdoing when he heard about the most recent lawsuit.

LOS ANGELES, California—Renowned criminally-non-murderer but still civilly-liable-murderer OJ Simpson’s latest lawsuit is the last straw for Los Angeles area judges. A new court has been established to deal exclusively with Simpson’s cases after the former linebacker and knife-enthusiast was hit with yet another suit from the Goldman family. In this suit the Goldmands demand a share of the money Simpson made from almost quasi-confessing to the murder of their first-born son, Ronald Goldman.

“Our faith in the system has been dead for more than a decade,” said Fred Goldman, “but we still like to sue him from time to time out of habit.”

“Geez, you’re found liable for the murder of someone’s kid and they just won’t let it go,” Simpson commented between rounds of golf paid for by his off-shore holding company Lorraine Brooks (named for members of his family whom he hasn’t yet murdered).

The latest Goldman suit drew attention to the phenomenal amount of space Simpson’s various legal cases take up in the Los Angeles district court. One clerk commented that the files devoted to Simpson’s possible misdeeds resembled the final scene of Raiders of the Lost Ark. “We’ve got 137,000 dockets devoted to the goddamn Bruno Maglis alone,” said an overworked court librarian.

This realization has prompted the creation of a jurisdiction solely devoted to Simpson cases. The new court system will be staffed by distance runners who have undergone extensive psychological evaluations. “That guy was more than I could handle 14 years ago,” said current mental patient Lance Ito, adding, “but nowadays even his hypothetical crimes are in litigation… I mean … it’s fucking insane.”

Simpson’s legal team has dwindled in recent years due to spontaneous conscience-growth and death, but the remaining lawyers seem tenacious in their desire to stick with the job long enough to score multimillion dollar book deal. “I used to chase ambulances,” said Simpson’s current attorney, Baxter P. Finch. “But with this guy the work just keeps coming. He’s planning a trip to Kmart tomorrow, and I guarantee you papers will be served before he gets through the checkout line.”

Among the new court's features will be a deli-style number system for litigants. In order to streamline the waste of taxpayer money, the building’s water furnace will run on newly minted $1,000 bills from the U.S. Treasury. The main court chamber has been named the Judith Regan Room in honor of the publisher who made this latest wave of pain and legal struggles possible.

Sources

• "Simpson sued over book deal" LA Times, December 20, 2006