UnNews:Nation's Five Year Olds Report Candy Deficit
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
1 August 2008
DALLAS, Texas: The Federal Organization of Children (FOC) has officially announced an exceptionally dangerous drought of candy nationwide.
"Late summer almost always exhibits a deficit in candy," said Billy Turner, spokesman for the organization. "We're between Easter and Halloween, and suddenly, ice cream just stops being interesting. Recent economic downturns have effected companies that we've invested in and we're running low on personal funding for candy. To combat this, we must announce a new holiday in order to solve this dreadful problem." Struggling back tears, he concluded his statement with, "You grown ups need to help us out, or else we may be forced to stop eating candy altogether."
In order to combat this menace, FOC has introduced Candy Day, which will occur annually on August 6th. "The holiday is more or less just like Halloween," said the official release explaining the nuances of the holiday. "Except there's no need for costumes. People just leave candy outside their homes, and we go pick it up."
This newly introduced holiday is expected to help close the bridge between sugar instances, ensuring that children will consitantly be supplied with a decent amount of candy and then be able to remain hyperactive throughout the entire year. "Someone who uses their candy wisely will never have to be without it," said Jimmy Smith, an expert in the field. "There is now no need to ever run out of pure, sugary goodness."
Despite this stunning and effective plan, some are not quite so enthusiastic about it. "Oh, God," said a parent of two, who wished to remain anonymous. "Both of those brats are going to be hyper all the time now? Fuck me," he said. "Just... fuck."