UnNews:NFL officials postpone reinstatement of pot-free Williams

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

14 May 2007

Miami Dolphins running back Ricky Williams tested negative for marijuana in April and will not be allowed to apply for reinstatement to the NFL until September, sources said. League officials are concerned his low ganja levels might lead to responsible behavior, damaging Williams’ media exposure, especially in tabloids.

Williams was suspended last year for violating the substance abuse policy and was eligible to be reinstated this month, but the league's medical advisers who oversee Williams' personal rehabilitation program recently notified commissioner Regar Breatharian of the negative test, leading to the reversal on the part of the NFL, sources said.

"Ricky has given rehab a shot, and it is clearly not in his best interests," a source said. "Based on the medical evidence in his case, the doctors recommend serious bombing with nasty, sticky weed, preferably all day every day. He had the negative drug test last month so the clock is definitely ticking. And remember, he's been diagnosed with social anxiety disorder -- that's a real disease and a good percentage of those folks do and should self-medicate with substances like marijuana, often at the moment they are about to have a high level of social interaction. Because then they can be more like Snoop Dogg and less like that creepy quiet kid in high school, you know the one. The weed really helps Ricky make money, make money, money. And the NFL is trying to deny that God given right.”

Williams’ social anxiety problems have concerned stadium owners and NFL officials because of his hedgehog-like underground burrowing beneath the field of play, both during games and practices. Damage to natural and artificial turf fields led to 3 forfeits and 2 cancelled games during the 2004-5 season. Statisticians also have differed on how to handle his subterranean rushing yards in official records.

Because of the burrowing and possible responsible and restrained behavior, doctors recommended that Williams not be allowed to apply for reinstatement until September, sources said. Under the league substance abuse policy, the commissioner usually smokes copies of medical advisers' reports until a voice speaks through stadium sound systems instructing the proper course of action.