UnNews:Minneapolis bridge players lost, search fruitless
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
5 August 2007
Minneapolis, MN (UnNews) -- With the collapse of Interstate 35W, early police reports indicate the disappearance of all bridge players from the Minneapolis area. So far, this has been the third day with divers not finding a single bridge player, despite searching North, South, East and West of the destroyed bridge.
The bridge is a well known meeting place for "bridgers" - people who enjoy playing bridge with complete strangers, a pastime which, although illegal, attracts thousands of new followers in the Minneapolis area every year.
The bridge, scheduled for maintenance in 2014 under President Bush's "Fat people need stronger bridges" policy, failed to bear up under the strain of the unusually larger number of bridgers who gathered on Friday night.
The bridge is known to be unstable and suffers from the effects of erosion and rust.
"Personally, I am happy to see all the bridge players gone." said Hennepin County Sheriff Rich Stanek. "Unfortunately, a few people wanted a search done. I don't think I could have put up with any more bridge players! The car I checked had nothing in it!"
"I want this bridge built. I want this bridge stable for people. And I will put food on the tables of families who lost relatives to this." said President George W. Bush, with his usual aplomb.
UnNews will continue to report on this as more reports come.