UnNews:Microsoft Have Human Brains Break Through
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
26 April 2007
Microsoft Labs today announced they have discovered an amazing coincidence between human brains and Windows Media Player.
Microsoft Labs claim that human memories that are stored in human brains are stored in an identical format to windows media files. “We’ve being doing tests on humans for some time now” one Microsoft labs scientist said “We used humans because not only are they cheaper than rodents, we also have more respect for the rats”.
They also claim to have discovered that Mpeg files are identical to Memory files of a Donkey and Real Audio files are identical to that of a Cuttle fish. “We weren’t surprised when we heard the news about Real audio files f**k knows what Quick Time files are the equivalent to”. One senior Microsoft labs representative said, after uploading memories to his brain.
Bill Gates announced today “It’s an amazing discovery” and announced “we are one step closer to Integrating Windows into human brains.” The only thing standing in our way is getting sufficient number of live human test brains "to hook the wires into." He went on to say that it was "suprisingly not the federal government that was the roadblock" but that ordinary people refused to volunteer. Who would have thought the ordinary "Joe" would have been so "damned sqeamish!" he said.
Gates also noted that decades ago, Microsoft scientists instead of using live test subjects tried to use data from primarily successful and famous people to compare human memory to improve product memory. "This was nearly a complete fiasco!" noted Gates. Data from a wide cross-section of the subjects was used in the failed test, among them Andy Warhol, Dr. Timothy Leary, and Michael Jackson, and idiot savant George Clooney. It has also been rumored that data from then unknown young George W. Bush and William Clinton was used. In any, event the expirement almost ended the entire project with scientists concluding the test subjects all had "broken brains" and "taken together, didn't have the memory capacity a jack rabbit." Gates denied that Paris Hilton was one of the test subjects.
Hopefully, by using live human test subjects Microsoft will be truly able to marginally advance computer science and "avoid angering the PETA crowd." Gates explained that the hurdle of obtaining test subjects was resolved by finding volunteers from the ranks of people with ARMs (Adjustable Rate Mortgages). "You'd be surprised what people are willing to do to raise money to hang onto their homes in this rough real estate market!" "They are the new junkies!!" Gates said with a wink and a laugh. In any event Microsoft "will have the clear advantage over all competitors and "that's what's really important!"
The open source Movement shunned the announcement, laughing and saying "if they do make a Windows brain we’ll be able to port Linux to it easily”