UnNews:Jenkem approved by FDA for treating depression

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Monday, March 11, 2019

A jenkem delivery device, sometimes referred to as a bong hole.

In an explosive decision today, the U.S. Food and Drug Administration approved the experimental psychoactive drug jenkem for treating clinical depression. The approval comes after years of studies showing the drug's efficacy and has opened the backdoor for the medicinal use of jenkem, which was up until today only obtainable through the brown market.

According to research, jenkem vapor contains numerous psychoactive compounds including 5-MEO-Jenkylamine, jenkyl acid, ibogaine, and nitrous oxide. The principle psychoactive compound is a potent antagonist of the jN-κ3 receptor in the human brain, which has been loosely studied in recent years. Jenkem itself has been known about for tens of thousands of years and is the world's #2 oldest drug, yet made headlines in recent years for its rising popularity as a club drug and for contributing to the death of Amy Winehouse in 2011, among others.

Meanwhile, clandestine jenkem production continues. Earlier this month, a jenkem lab in Butte, Montana was raided by D.E.A. brownshirts, prompting a renewed warning from the agency that, "Jenkem users and manufacturers are flushing their lives down the toilet." The raid came after several batches of jenkem were found in a Butte public restroom, leading investigators into the dank sewers of the jenkem market.

"It's a shitty job," confessed Mark Brown, an anonymous D.E.A. agent, to UnNews. "But we need to plug up the flow of illicit jenkem. Today's jenk is many times more potent than the jenk our great grandparents had access to 20 years ago. People enjoy it because it's like DMT, only shittier. But it's a bunch of crap." Conversely, groups such as the Drug Policy Alliance and various jenkem cartels have criticized the D.E.A.'s use of stool pigeons and pointed to many dirty cops involved in the jenkem trade. "The jenkem laws stink," said Juan "El Caca" Marrón, a jenkem kingpin who also asked to remain anonymous. "I am trying to feed my family and they [the police] are trying to squeeze me out of the business. The police are really uptight."

Despite the controversy, many desperately depressed people are hopeful medicinal jenkem will help them. "I am honestly on my last wipe with this," said one sufferer of depression. "I have tried everything: tricyclic antidepressants, wearing a bag full of bees over my head, you name it. I really hope this shit works."