UnNews:Japanese Businessman Rebels Against Society
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
20 November 2012
LONDON, England -- A national hero is being celebrated in England today, after having successfully rebelled against the conformist English use of escalators.
This courageous man, after having just a little bit of rice wine to calm his nerves before a big business meeting, had intended to head into the London Underground to get to his appointment. But imagine his surprise when the escalator turned out to be endless.
"I was in shock," said the hero, "I thought escalators were supposed to go down, but this one seemed to be going on forever. I walked and walked but I got nowhere, with people somehow passing me all the time." He was horribly confused and kept walking for about two hours, when someone informed him that he was on the 'wrong' escalator.
Upset by this news, the man did exactly what nobody expected him to do - he kept walking down the up escalator. "At this point I was way over my head," he told UnNews, "I couldn't just quit and take a different escalator - that would have been the easy way out. No, someone had to take a stand. It was downright insensitive that the English were using these strange, confusing escalators, and I decided that I would put a stop to it."
The brave man continued his stroll for four weeks straight without once ever stopping, despite heckling, the urgent need for bathroom breaks, no food and drink, losing his job and his wife leaving him for a black man with a much larger penis.
Eventually such a large crowd grew around the heroic man that the authorities were forced to turn off the escalator and escort the man away. For a few days, nobody knew what had happened to the brave foreign rebel who had stood up for the little guy against the escalator menace. But then it was announced that escalators across the United Kingdom were to be dismantled, banned, and replaced with stairs, and the nation rejoiced. Crowds took to the streets in celebration.
"Finally, no more of those stupid escalators!" One blonde woman on the scene said, "I like, kept tripping down them while I was like texting my BFF Jill, oh my GAWD, like what?"
"I'm not really sure of the logic behind this," a sweating fat man who was overly enthusiastic told reporters, "But I'm just really happy to be out here in public with everyone too distracted to be paying attention to my disgusting body!"
The national hero was shipped back to Japan later within the day."My job is done," were his parting words, "You are free from tyranny." He committed suicide two hours after arriving home, having shamed his family by losing his wife and job.
Sources[edit | edit source]
- "Going nowhere drunk businessman walks wrong way down escalator" The Telegraph, Nov 13, 2012