UnNews:Iran welcomes 2013 with a cascade of friendly fire
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
31 December 2012
The world has been celebrating the new year like never before, with unprecedented fireworks displays over capital cities all across the globe.
It all began with a good will gesture from the government of Iran to Israel. In a surprise move designed to break through the political logjam in the region surrounding Tehran's controversial nuclear program, the Iranian government today extended an olive branch to Israel by donating its entire arsenal of fireworks over the Israeli capital, ready to go off at midnight.
Caught off guard by the friendly gesture, a tearful Benjamin Netanyaju, the Israeli prime minister, assured the world that his nation was already preparing its response, and that several megatons of Israeli fireworks were on their way to Iran faster than the speed of sound. True to his word, within minutes of his announcement, Israeli fireworks were lighting up the skies of Iran with a gorgeous pink glow and impressive mushroom clouds for which some are saying it will not be forgotten in a thousand years.
Ever since, governments all over the world have been scrambling to participate in these feel good gestures. Not wanting to be left out, Russia immediately sent a small portion of its fireworks stockpile to Israel. Iran, too overcome with emotion to send any more fireworks to Israel, released a statement thanking the Russian government for its assistance. In a preemptive move, Russia chose not to send the United States any Christmas basket of pyrotechnics, worried that mutual gift giving during an economic recession is hard on state budgets as well as cancer rates.
Sure enough, from St. Petersburg to Siberia, Russia has been set aglow by the United States with a festive holiday display that has truly warmed the hearts of the Russian people. Homeless Russians are celebrating in icy Moscow by the warm fall-out slowly raining over the city melting their freezing hands.
For the last several hours, China, India and Pakistan have been exchanging cordial fireworks displays. India set off a green tinged light show over Beijing while China set off all their fireworks at once, carpeting Pakistan in a coreographed atomic ballet which was watched and enjoyed from the MIR Space Station.
Moments before the transmission was cut off due to a particularly exhuberant fireworks display over New York City, UN Secretary General Bang Ki Moon, in a global televised address, began to say that with today's celebratory fireworks exchanges, the world has entered a new age. What else he was going to say is unknown at this time.
Around the world, radio and television frequencies are growing silent, in what UnNews believes is a prolonged moment of silence to honor this new era of good feeling between nations. The UnNews studios have for several hours been relying on back up power generators, but we are informed by our technicians that we will now be joining the rest of the global media in this planet wide moment of silence.
Happy New Years, Earth. We'll be seeing you...