UnNews:ICC Enforces New Rules

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

7 January 2008

ICC,Dubai.

In the limelight of the outstanding integrity and sportsmanship of the Australian cricketers, the ICC have framed the following rules which will be adhered to in the forthcoming matches.

(1) Rule Ricky Ponting – (He whose integrity cannot be doubted) should be considered as the Fourth Umpire. As per the new rules, Fourth Umpire decision is final and will over ride any decisions taken by any other umpires. On-field umpires can seek the assistance of Ricky Ponting even if he is not on the field. This rule is to be made, so that every team should understand the importance of the Fourth Umpire.

(2)While an Aussie is bowling, If the ball flies anywhere close to the Aussie fielder ( or a monkey on the ground) (within 5 metre distance), the batsman is to be considered OUT irrelevant of whether the catch was taken cleanly or grassed. Any decision for further clarification should be sought from the Fourth Umpire. This is made to ensure that the cricket is played with sportive spirit by all the teams.

(3)While batting, Aussies and the lone monkey out there will wait for the decisions only (even if the catch goes to long-on as the ball might not have touched the bat). Each Australian batsman has to be out four (minimum) before he can return to the pavilion. In case of a monkey, this can be higher.

(4)Umpires should consider a huge bonus if an Australian player or a monkey scores a century. Any wrong decisions can be ignored as they will be paid huge bonus and will receive the backing of the Australian team and board and PETA ( Representing the lone monkey).

(5)All aussies are eligible to keep commenting about all players on the field and the Opponent should never comment as they will be spoiling the spirit of the Australian team and will be sued by PETA( who come in defence for the monkey). Any comments made in any other language are to be considered as racism only, especially if performed against the lone monkey on the ground.

(6)Match Referee decisions will be taken purely on the Australian team advice only with higher precedence to the least evolved person(which can be a primate) in the team. Player views from the other teams decisions will not be considered for hearing. Match referees are to be given huge bonus if this rule is implemented.

(7)No visiting should plan to win in Austalia. This is to ensure that the sportive spirit of CRICKET is maintained.

The Most Important Rule or Rule Zero: If any bowler gets a player with undoubtable integrity which cannot be question , more than twice in a series, he will be banned for the rest of the series and will be punished for racist abuse. This is to ensure that the best batsman/Captain will be played to break records and create history in the game of Cricket.

These rules will be clarified in a better way to all the teams Visiting Australia.