UnNews:House Republicans Reject “Lemming” Label, Decide to Join Senate Pussies
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
2 January 2013
WASHINGTON -- Late night budget negotiations between Senate Democrats and Republicans produced an emergency package which proponents say will work “well into the 20th century,” although no specific plans for reversing history were mentioned.
Despite earlier demands that spending cuts be implemented, members of the lower chamber “folded like a road map, ” according to an unnamed aide in Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid's office. The aide, a short, balding, Caucasian male wearing cheap cologne, said “Yeah, we got them stupid congress-critter f****rs by the short and curlies. Tea Party, my f****ing a**. “
Rep. Paul Ryan of Wisconsin, the party's 2012 vice presidential candidate, denied the “lemming” label. “No, we're not lemmings, dammit, we didn't run over the cliff. And I don't think we're pussies either, like those Senate wankers. Their vote was what, 89-8? What kind of statement is that? If ya wanna call us a name, call us spelunkers, because we caved.”
"I hate this stuff. I don't want to have to get a real job in this economy,” House Majority Leader Eric Cantor, R-Va., whined.
House Speaker John Boehner refused to comment on the Senate bill, saying “Listen, if we ain't real careful, we're gonna get our a**es handed to us. We gotta do this, or people are gonna think we ain't been doin' our jobs, see? $8 for a gallon of milk? How did THAT happen?”
"We've gone as far as we can go just talking smack," said Rep. Jack Kingston, R-Ga. "I think everybody in the House is just trying to duck, and mebbe the world will end. I'm hoping we don't have a whole year ahead of us or we're gonna be in deep doo-doo."
The Senate-passed bill would generate revenue from stupid people making lots of money. “We don't know how many of them are out there, “ one senator observed, “but we hope it's a bunch. They have to bringing in a potful, but at the same time be too dumb to pay a tax attorney. What's that chemistry teacher making? The one with cancer who is cooking meth? Heck, he ought to be good for at least enough to pay off China, right? “
Sources[edit | edit source]
- Alan Fram "Cliff avoided: Congress staves off tax hikes" Associated Press, January 02, 2013