UnNews:Hot chick recalls 21.7 pounds of meat

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

1 October 2007

TRENTON, New Jersey -- A local hot chick became inebriated at a party on Saturday, and drunkenly shared intimate details about her past lovers to anyone in range of her voice.

The chick, who "persuaded" UnNews to not reveal her name, said that the incident started after she ran into a former boyfriend. "He was trying to get back with me after that cheating 'ho Melissa left him. But I was like 'No way, boy. You made yo bed and now you go sleep in it!' And then he was all 'Yeah, you talk all big girl, but the bed is made. Come lay yo nice ass down in it.' And then I was like 'That's the only thing you like about me, isn't it? It's all about my ass?' And then that mofo was like 'Naw girl. You got a nice rack too.' I can't believe I slept with his dumb ass."

Depressed, the hot chick sat down and drank. According to a friend, who convinced UnNews that she should be a "Deep Throat" source, "Damn, that girl can DRINK. She downed half a bottle of vodka. Bitch still hasn't paid me back! Brittany, when you read this, you still owe me 20 bucks!"

She then discussed her love life with a student who would only agree to be named as Steve. (UnNews did not have sex with THIS source.) Steve, who describes himself as a "perpetual admirer" and "friend, but things are heating up" of the hot chick, said that he met up with the chick at the party. "She and I talked about her love life," he said. "She talked about all the other guys she had, you know, done it with. And I was like, 'Wow. So she's probably got some experience.' And then she said, 'I really treasure our friendship, Steve.' Man, that's the closest I've ever gotten to getting with a girl. It's so close now, I can feel it. Well, not literally, of course." At that point, the tape holding his glasses together fell off.

Later mathematical analysis done by Steve based on her anecdotes showed that the combined weight of the 23 penises she described was "about 21.7 pounds." Steve continued to talk, and drew a diagram on a chalkboard, but we UnNews honestly was not listening because the kid was both boring and creepy.

Party organizers said that grinding operations were moved to an adjacent room because "that skank was creeping out the guests."

Sources

• "21.7 million pounds of beef recalled" CNN, September 30, 2007

-->