UnNews:Horoscopes February 17th

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

17 February 2014

Piscean readers develop their ability.

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) – The week turns sour when you are reprimanded for singing "You give love a bad name" on the way to the sexual harassment information session.

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) – Lying in bed with the most beautiful woman you have ever know, you develop a new technique to fart silently: imagining your bottom as a face, with your anus blowing out little puffs gently.

• Aries (March 20 - April 19) – Your philosophy teacher might not agree but I think it's a valid question you asked: should a man keep wiping until the toilet paper is completely clean, or until there is a respectably small amount of shit on it?

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - If you are single, Wednesday will be a great day to meet someone new. If you're in a relationship, I don't really know what that means. Maybe something good will come on TV, or something.

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) – After years believing you had no 'type' when it came to the opposite sex, you finally come to accept that you're a sucker for big tits.

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) – Next Thursday at 14.32 you hit your elbow, and say, "Ow, fuck, I just hit my elbow."

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) – The radiator says "DO NOT COVER" but you go ahead and dry your underwear on it anyway. You daredevil.

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) – In Chinese, the word for crisis can also mean opportunity. The next time you meet a Chinese guy, ask him if there's a second meaning to "revenge pornography lawsuit".

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) – Your tendency is to fight fire with fire - but that will not get you very far working for the fire department.

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) – Your dad always said you'd never amount to anything. But he didn't predict you'd develop a scat fetish, so he wasn't exactly Nostradamus, was he?

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) – Before asking "Where my motherfucking niggas and my bitches at?", always remember to look in the last place you saw them.

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) – The fuck stops here.