UnNews:Horoscopes 19th October

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Thursday, October 22, 2020

For Aquarians, making your own mayonnaise is hell, man.

You did not discourage me last week - not even a litte. So here are twelve more accurate horoscopes. Do better this week.

Oh, and I'm bringing back "Your birthday this week." So, if it's your birthday this week, you are cusp Libra/Scorpio. Which means fuck all. Other than Libras don't know which thing they believe, and Scorpii don't know their own plural. So shove that into your astrology-hole. I don't even know what "cusp" means.

Libra (Sept. 24 - Oct. 23) - "Old" is just a mind-set. Unless you are turning 40 this week. Then "old" is a reality. Get over it, grandpa. And look into some bifocals. And Sildenafil. Happy Birthday.

Scorpio (Oct. 24 - Nov. 22) - Saner people than you have heeded my warnings on this publication, but honestly, that pretty much means everybody, so I can't really use that against you. Still, I urge you take heed.

Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - An important piece of information arrives this week that could propel you into your greatest life success, but it will take dedication and hard work. So brush up on your skill at ignoring important information.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 20) - An unexpected encounter will reveal an ancestral past that you may not want revealed. What I'm saying is, don't take that trip to your great uncle Caveman's house this week.

Aquarius (Jan. 21 - Feb. 19) - This week, gourmet specialty mayonnaise is still mayonnaise, and your guests will see though your ruse.

Pisces (Feb. 20 - March 20) - How far you go in your career depends on what percentage of the people in the Zoom meeting this week see you masturbating when you thought you had video turned off. I'm not sure if that proportion correlates directly or inversely to your dick size, though.

Aries (March 21 - April 20) - Knowledge and experience go hand-in-hand this week, merrily skipping away from you in mutual disdain.

Taurus (April 21 - May 21) - In the cosmic airplane crash of your soul this week, your brain is a floatation device. Unfortunately, you have always failed to pay attention to the flight attendant's instructions, preferring instead to gaze at her tits, and you will end up trying to use your dick as the oxygen mask. I don't have to tell you how that will end up.

Gemini (May 22 - June 21) - Don't forget to... shit, what was it again?

Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - A handsome stranger will catch your eye this week, but he won't be able to fit it back into its socket.

Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - How long will you keep telling yourself that you are ineffectual, inadequate, and insignificant? How long? Because I have to tell you - it needs to be a very long time indeed, if you wish not to delude yourself.

Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 23) - Your boss is going to make good on his promise to show you the money this week. You will be very impressed with it. And then go back to your cubicle.