UnNews:Horoscopes - September 3rd

Wednesday, September 3, 2014

It's enough to drive you crazy if you let it.

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - While you're on your cigarette break on Thursday, vandals break into your egg-timer shop and turn the whole place upside down in 3-5 minutes.

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - It's horrible when burglars break into your home while you're sleeping, but it's even worse when your rottweiler takes their side.

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - Love is in the air this week, but so is the Ebola virus, so be careful where you sniff.

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - Sometimes your life feels like one long Game of Thrones episode with constant backstabbing, scheming for power, and lustful desire to take your sister from behind.

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - On Friday you feel very cocksure after managing to have sex with a colleague at the office, until someone points out your mother fucks half a dozen guys a night in her workplace.

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - This week you suffer the indescribable pain of accidentally closing a browser window in which you had a movie buffering for a good ten minutes. Be strong.

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - Somehow the ice bucket challenge goes wrong for you: as soon as the water makes contact with you, you develop motor neurone disease.

• Aries (March 20 - April 19) - Your self-esteem goes through the roof when your boss rates your time at his company as an unpaid intern as 'OK'.

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - It's your turn to do the day shift at the strip club. Twerking nine to five, what a way to make a living! (See right)

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - Your date with a Buzzfeed writer proves a disappointment, after she gives you a list of "Ten Guys I Want Up Inside Me" and you find you are not on it.

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - While you have enjoyed guilty success at the Open Mic comedy night ripping off old Woody Allen and Bill Hicks routines, this week you discover that the general public is not ready to hear a white boy doing a routine called "Black people vs niggas".
• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - You are slowly learning to accept that Doritos are not an acceptable side dish. Or a main.