UnNews:Horoscopes - October 9th

testThursday, October 9, 2014

Virgo's Saturday night rollercoaster.

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - After years of unprotected sex, you finally go for an HIV test, and it turns out you don't have a magic Johnson.

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - Your friend was lying to you when he said that "There must be 50 ways to leave your lover" includes the lyric "Have homosexual sex, Rex", but anyway, it's all experience.

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21)- Turns out putting ear plugs up your rectum doesn't lead to silent farts.

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - When your friend's wife explains she is having problems breastfeeding their newborn, avoid the temptation to refer to her breasts as milk duds.

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - It was hard back in March when your girlfriend miscarried. It's been even harder keeping up the charade that she is still pregnant with everyone at work, but the paternity leave kicks in next week and it's all worth it.

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - You can't find a single plastic bag in your house, which means you have to carry your packed lunch to work in a garbage bag. You believe it's basically the same principle, but the rest of society doesn't agree.

• Aries (March 20 - April 19) - Every night your mother calls you to say, "I love you Johhny," which is demoralising, because Johhny is your brother's name.

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - Making a woman have an orgasm is not brain science, and I don't think cutting her skull open and tinkering with the squidgy bits makes it so either.

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - You call a "no win, no fee" line for accidents at work, only to be told that shitting yourself during a meeting doesn't count.

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - Your granddad passed on his girls' bicycle seat fetish to your dad, who passed it on to you, and you realise that the three of you have created a cycle of abuse.

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - On Wednesday you fall unconscious after taking a pack of painkillers. The security guard at the pharmacy has a zero tolerance policy on shoplifters.

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - Saturday night starts kind of You Shook Me All Night Long and ends up rather Dude Looks Like a Lady.