UnNews:Horoscopes - May 8th

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

8 May 2014

I... I don't know what I want from... it.

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) – Your life is beginning to feel like a series of trials, but that's mostly because you keep getting arrested.

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) – After going out with her for a few weeks, you were comfortable enough to burp in front of her. After living with her for a few months, you farted in front of her. Now after being married for three years, on Wednesday you finally take a shit with her right there in the bathroom.

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) – You never thought you'd be into transexuals, but now, well, you don't know really. It's odd. Interesting to look at. (See right.)

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) – Suited and booted, with a briefcase in one hand and a Starbucks cup in the other, you stride through the city's financial district with confidence, and no one has any idea you're an unemployable bum.

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) – On Wednesday, when you feel the sneeze coming, don't just cover your nose with the tissue - remember that sometimes when we sneeze, snot comes out of the mouth too. And hits people.

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) – Your claim that you are Superman and that you were simply changing out of your normal clothes in that phone box and not exposing yourself rather falters when the policeman notes that you do not have a Superman outfit.

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) – On Thursday Venus moves into your sign, meaning it is the perfect day for love-making. Unfortunately, you are also going to lose a relative on the same day, so you will have to play through the pain.

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) – Give a man a fish and he shall eat dinner. Teach a man to fish and he shall eat for life. You really should have taught him how to swim first though.

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) – Visiting your parents for the first time in months, you worry that you might not come from culturally elite stock when you notice your father scratching himself before getting on with making lunch.

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) – Settling down to watch an episode of Modern Family, it dawns on you that you would do every female member of the case except the Asian kid, and, knowing you, she will probably make the cut before the series is over.

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - When a feminist friend convinces you that pornography objectifies women, you vow to watch exclusively gay stuff from now on.

• Aries (March 20 - April 19) – On Sunday, your Tourette's Syndrome actually comes in handy when you meet a cock-sucking, mother-fucking cunt.