UnNews:Horoscopes - May 17th

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

17 May 2014

I would drink your bathwater, girl.

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - On Tuesday a small yappy-type dog crosses your path, and for some reason, you are able to punt him across the street with absolutely no consequences. What do you mean, you don't believe me?
• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - After Wednesday you have completed your set: whatever religion is right, you are going to hell.
• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - The week starts badly when, brushing some crumbs off your lap at breakfast, you notice that your penis has detached, silently, like an eye lash.
• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - When there's something strange, in your neighborhood, who you gonna call? What do you mean, the KKK?
• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - The heart wants what it wants. But that's not your heart, and you're not allowed to want them.
• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - I know you really like the line, but I think it's time to retire "I would DRINK your bath water." It's just not proving successful.
• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - When you were young, packing for holidays was so simple. Now it's all vibrators, love eggs, nipple clamps and lube. When did life get so complicated?
• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - You worry you are becoming unproductive when your mother asks what you did today, and you reply, "Game of Thrones".
• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - You become the first father in history to include a section on double penetration in his son's first talk on the birds and the bees.
• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - On your first day at the maracas factory, you just click with everyone.
• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - You believe human life is sacred even before conception, which is why you always masturbate tearfully into a casket. Which is starting to fill up, BTW.
• Aries (March 20 - April 19) - You impress on your blind date by reciting "I am not the pheasant plucker, I'm the pheasant plucker's son. I am only plucking pheasants 'till the pheasant plucker comes. I'm not the pheasant plucker, I'm the pheasant plucker's wife, and when we pluck together it's a pheasant plucking life" three times in a row.