UnNews:Horoscopes - March 28th
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
28 March 2014
- Aries (March 20 - April 19) – So I finally got into Breaking Bad. Dude I have to say, the basic message is not "Dealing meth is a victimless crime."
- Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - You can proudly say you hate only three types of people: sexual abusers, racists, and people who say there is caffeine in green tea.
- Gemini (May 20 - June 21) – After many years of personal struggle, you realise that you have to accept that any girl who calls you "Papi", no matter how delicious, is not a long term prospect. (See right.)
- Cancer (June 22 - July 22) – Your embarrassment at going to work naked is alleviated when you remember you are a stripper.
- Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) – You surprise everyone when you start your "Top 10 Tips for Success" with "1. Try Heroin."
- Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) – On Wednesday you will be lucky in love. Every single one of you - even the really, really old ones, and the really, really young ones. I know, weird, right?
- Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) – Remember, when a woman in a bar asks you, "What's your poison?", don't reply, "It's not poison, it's only rohypnol."
- Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) – Relations with your step dad worsen when he reveals that he recently made your mother lactate some milk she was apparently withholding from you.
- Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) – Your ex-girlfriend just rang, she said she left you because your penis was too big and you were so clever and funny it was intimidating. Now, will you please get in off the window ledge?
- Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - Your friend, a new father, tells you kids are like farts, presumably because they smell, you normally regret doing one, and in order to produce one, an orifice in your nether regions needs to dilate considerably.
- Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) – Venus moves into your sign this week, which could mean a sudden influx of wealth. I know that sounds crazy, but bear in mind it's a whole fucking planet we're talking about here.
- Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) – Let me trace the trajectory of your life for you since graduation. 2008 - wake up and smell the roses. 2011 - wake up and smell the coffee. 2014 - wake up, you've shit the bed.