UnNews:Horoscopes - June 10th

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10 June 2014

The slutty ones have bowls instead of plates.

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - After watching a documentary about a tribe in Africa where the women wear huge lip discs (See right), you start thinking about how society helps shape what we think we want and desire. Then you turn your attention to convincing your girlfriend to go ass to mouth.

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - You believe that homosexuality is wrong as God created Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve. Less conventionally, you also believe God is OK with incest, as he must have let Adam and Eve’s kids fuck each other to produce the rest of us.

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - Your graduation ceremony is ruined when you learn your careers advisor only told you to go into acupuncture as a joke, because all the teachers thought you were a “little prick”.

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - You start to worry as you find yourself attracted to your 13-year-old cousin, but then you remember you’re a Pakistani and she is arranged to be your bride, so no worries.

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - Just like Wolverine, you’re the very best at what you do, and what you do ain’t very nice. It’s really true in your case, though, that´s disgusting.

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - You learn a lot at your first cookery class, including the fact you have been pronouncing “cumin” wrong all these years.

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - You’re happy to tell everyone that you fought in Vietnam. What’s important is that you leave out the fact the fight happened in 2012, and it was with a transsexual prostitute who shortchanged you.

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - Back in college, making deposits at the sperm bank every day seemed a great way to earn money. Now, you realise that, when your midlife crisis comes, you’re going have to look twice at any girls more than 18 years younger than you.

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - Some people, like you, think the glass is half full. Others think it’s half empty. What’s important is that we all agree you should wash the glass out and not collect that stuff in the future.

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - You discover you have a super power, but unfortunately, all you can do is shape-shift into a foetus.

• Aries (March 20 - April 19) - You feel a close affinity with Batman this week, as you dress up in black PVC and punch bewildered strangers in the face.

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - Fuck everyone else. You’re fine as you are.