UnNews:Horoscopes - July 23rd

Wednesday, July 23, 2014

Football shirts alone have no power to move you. It's face paint facials or nothing.

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - You have spent so long scouring the internet for gorgeous World Cup football babes, that you are now unable to climax unless a woman has a face painted with the colours of a national flag.

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - Your friends are aghast when you tell them you spend the entire working day spilling seed here, there and everywhere, until you explain that you are a farmer.

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - Your threesome on Wednesday gets off to a disastrous start, when both of your would-be lovers lean in to give you oral sex at the same time, and there is a nasty clash of heads.

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - You tell your roommate you slept like a baby, neglecting to explain that means you messed yourself during the night and woke up crying.

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - Ever since you were a teenager you have identified with Spiderman. Not for the great power, great responsibility crap, but because just like him, you hide cameras in corners to take secret photos, and you can produce a sticky white fluid with a magic flick of your wrist.

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - After noticing that both Jimmy Savile (now then, now then) and Rolf Harris (can you tell what it is yet?) are both sexual predators whose voices used to be imitated by every impersonator under the sun, you become desperately worried that there may be a sex ring involving Sean Connery, Al Pacino, and Christopher Walken.

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - You wrestle with deep philosophical questions, like: before people lived in houses, where did indoor plants grow?

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - Friday brings a dilemma when you fart while your partner is in the bathroom: in the thirty seconds afterwards, do you opt to trap the fart in the bedding, hoping she won't unleash it as she gets back into bed, or do you kick the sheets with all your might, hoping to disperse the smell ASAP? The answer: follow your heart.

• Aries (March 20 - April 19) - The world is so complex that it's hard to know who to sympathise with. After 2 Girls 1 Cup, many bloggers and journalists condemned the treatment of the film's two stars. But did they spare a thought for the stars of 3 Girls 1 Cup or 4 Girls 1 Cup? Do they realise we are now up to 11 Girls 1 Cup? I'll send you the link later, it's mayhem.

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - Immediately after climaxing on Thursday, you begin questioning why you do this, why you go to parties, why you try to get laid. This is called vagin-dsight. It doesn't look right written down, but it sounds good.

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - You believe that everyone has a perfect soulmate, and you are just grateful that yours was in the same geographical area, and was of the same race and social class as you.

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - They're pinky and the brain, they're pinky and the brain… no, I'm sorry, even if I sing it, I still think it's a weird thing to call your cock and balls.