UnNews:Horoscopes - December 10th
Wednesday, December 10, 2014
Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - You are arrested on Monday. The police say that is the most DNA they have ever seen left at a crime scene.
Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - Unlike most men, you don't objectify women. But you do feminise objects, which is probably worse. (See right)
Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - "If it feels right, do it" your uncle always used to say. I don't think he had that in mind when he said it though.
Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - Your girlfriend asks you to treat her like a princess, so you whisk her off to Paris, get drunk, and crash the Mercedes into a tunnel, killing her instantly.
Aries (March 20 - April 19) - A celebrity death sets off a chain of events, as a friend of yours posts a message of condolence with a fucking :( emoticon in it, and you duly bludgeon him to death with his own laptop.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - This Christmas, your hot toddies seem to be focusing more on the toddy part than the hot. That cup, for example, is basically just whiskey.
Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - At a cocktail bar on Friday, you see one drink called "Sex on the Beach", and a hilarious joke occurs to you when the waitress comes over and asks what you would like.
Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - A new colleague at work ticks all your boxes: vaguely attractive (check), seems friendly and smiley with you (check).
Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - In your moments of stress this week, just recite your mantra, which in your case is Mr Mackey saying, "Poontang".
Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - You have your mother's green fingers. It's amazing what undertakers will let you do if you pay them enough.
Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - Rather depressingly, the ghost from It's a Wonderful Life visits you to show you how little effect your suicide would have on your community.
Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - In an almost exact copy of the nativity story, you go on the run with a pregnant thirteen-year-old, in the hope of eluding a fearsome patriarch who wants to put your name on a register.