UnNews:Horoscopes - 9th December
Wednesday, December 9, 2015
Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) -This week you have a bad case of diarrhoea, but you refuse to suffer in silence.
Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 20) - You move house on Wednesday, leading you to a Christ-like desire to abandon all material goods, instead of packing them in 157 boxes and bags and hauling them up and down stairs.
Aquarius (Jan. 21 - Feb. 19) - On an archaeological dig, you discover that the Arabs first considered the concept of zero when someone asked them how many baths they had a year.
Pisces (Feb. 20 - March 20) - People told you that the online dating market was saturated with about every type of angle covered, but with 12inchdating.com you find a lucrative niche market for the well-endowed and the guys and gals who love them.
Aries (March 21 - April 20) - Mutual friends describe you and your ex as chalk and cheese - because she is thin and white, and you smell funny.
Taurus (April 21 - May 21) - One of the major reasons why you haven’t changed jobs is because your current levels of foul-mouthed moaning wouldn’t be acceptable in another workplace until you have worked there for at least 6 months.
Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - If you enjoyed Black Friday, consider going to Washington D.C., where it is Black Friday every Friday.
Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - “And if he doesn’t like it, he can lick my balls” has long been your fave witty riposte, but it leads you into trouble this week, when a dude actually opts to lick your balls.
Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - You change your email signature from “best regards” to “best”. An entirely common thing to do, and nobody knows that every time you see it, you whisper “that’s right, I’m the BEST, bitch”.
Libra (Sept. 24 - Oct. 23) - Tragically, your girlfriend is diagnosed with gonna-rea, a chronic disease which causes her to tell you everything she is gonna do, meaning even sentences like “I’m gonna have a shower, I don’t know if I’m gonna wash my hair” are not considered too trivial to share.
Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 23) - When letters arrive from the electricity company, the water company, and somewhere else official-looking, you decide to stop being a functioning adult and try bursting into tears instead.
Scorpio (Oct. 24 - Nov. 22) - You run for election claiming you will build more kids’ football facilities and reduce tax on women’s underwear - strictly so your campaign slogan can be “Pitches and knickers”.