UnNews:Horoscopes - 28th April

Friday, April 28, 2017

Taurus (April 21 - May 21) - The gypsy’s curse - that you will let rip with a huge fart at inopportune moments in your life - ruins your mother’s funeral, wrecks your chances at a job interview, and takes your sex life into a disturbing though vigorous new direction.

Gemini (May 22 - June 21) - What’s in a name? A lot, as your dad found out when he tried to start a business hiring out paddle boats called Pedalophiles. (See right)

Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - You lose the kids on your first day teaching a tough school, when a thuggish kid asks “Where your pens at?” and you ask “Where are your unnecessary prepositions at young man?”

Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - You think of yourself as a citizen of the world, where there is just one race - the human race. It’s just a coincidence all your friends are white.

Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 23) - Disturbing times, as a million people watch a giraffe give birth live on the internet, getting dangerously close to your current fetish.

Libra (Sept. 24 - Oct. 23) - You start to worry you might be a geek when you write a 500-word blog post on the inconsistent conjugation of “vos” in the Spanish scenes in Narcos.

Scorpio (Oct. 24 - Nov. 22) - “Move quickly and break things” was the motto that led to Mark Zuckerberg making Facebook a billion-dollar business, but it has not had the same success at your ballet school.

Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - You have way too much to drink at a college party, and while you remember talking and having fun with someone, the next morning when you wake up, you don’t actually remember having given consent for sex. However, as you are a male student, no one gives a fuck.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 20) - You must stop saying, “Your mother’s cunt!” when you don’t know the answer to a question.

Aquarius (Jan. 21 - Feb. 19) - A depressing morning sees you forcefully removed, kicking and screaming, from a United Airlines flight, getting assaulted in the process - and no one films it or gives a shit.

Pisces (Feb. 20 - March 20) - As a social experiment, you decide to stop eyeing up all the sexy girls on the street, and instead eye up all the ugly fat girls. Response is dishearteningly similar.

Aries (March 21 - April 20) - On Friday you visit a Bob Marley-themed restaurant, where you can sit down to a nice goat curry, but you have to Stand Up For Your Rice.