UnNews:Horoscopes - 26th March

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Thursday, March 26, 2015

What was once range of products is converted into police evidence for Aquarians.

Aries (March 20 - April 19) - Your colleagues are momentarily excited when you announce "I've made brownies" on Tuesday, before they realise that is just your way of saying Señor Whoopsie has made an unscheduled stop in Trouser Town.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - You have an ass that won't quit, which is a nightmare for your former employers.

Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - You finally recover from your St Patrick's day hangover. It's going to be a long time before you can lick whiskey off a prostitute's boobs again. Or at least that's what you tell yourself.

Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - Like many successful people, you have a personal motto. Unfortunately, yours is "I am sorry for everything."

Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - Your newly single friend tells you some depressing stories about the soulless sexual interactions that can be had using Tinder. Even more depressing, you sign up for an account and have no such luck.

Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - When your girlfriend tells you her brother is a man's man, you mistakenly understand that means he is gay. A trip to the orthodontist awaits.

Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - In this day and age, it is not necessarily appropriate to address your boss as "sir". Especially when she is a lesbian.

Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - You are visited in a dream by your 10-year-old self who wants to know a) why you haven't become a football player and b) why you spend a considerable portion of every day thinking about putting your penis up a girl's anus

Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21)- This week you discover a weird trick which leads to you having a perfect six pack. Be careful though, if you choose to advertise this fact online, there is a good chance that gyms will hate you.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - You like piña coladas and walks in the rain, which means you are constantly drunk and flu-ridden.

Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - Your new nude range of makeup (pictured) is so realistic, you are arrested for lewd conduct.

Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - You are flying this weekend, and given recent events, you promise to suck the pilot off if at any point during the flight he starts to feel a bit suicidal.