UnNews:Horoscopes - 26th February

Thursday, February 26, 2015

This will be you in a few days, Cancerians.

Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - In your sector it's important to stand out from the crowd, but I am not sure burping all your answers in the interview is the way to go.

Aries (March 20 - April 19) - "The left hand should not know what the right hand is doing" is an eloquent evocation of the ideal nature of altruism. In your case, however, it's the rest of us who would rather not know what your right hand is doing.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - Confusing feedback from your acting teacher, who describes your performance as a rape victim as "a bit forced".

Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - You are very quick to point the finger, which is not ideal foreplay technique.

Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - After months of trying, you finally get your foot in the door at a major corporation. Unfortunately, it's a revolving door.

Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - Your latest film, Nutbush Shitty Limits, gets the usual mixed reviews - some people say it made their belly go fizz, other people say it should be banned worldwide.

Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - Disappointment as your design for a baby onesie featuring the slogan "I used to be cum" has received no orders.

Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - It hits you that Vladimir Putin has basically spent the last six months doing the international version of the "What are you punching yourself for?" game with Ukraine.

Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - You bump into an old schoolmate who has a better job, house, and partner than you. But on the plus side, he does look a bit fat.

Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21)- It's the year of the goat, but you keep writing horse on all your cheques.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - Your partner is really into the whole 50 Shades of Grey thing, but she takes it a little too seriously this week when she climbs on top of you, calls you a worthless piece of shit, and beats you unconscious.

Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - Thursday is distressing, as you buy a copy of Coping with Alopecia only for all the pages to fall out on the way home.