UnNews:Horoscopes - 24th August
Monday, August 24, 2015
Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 23) - People don’t change, which is a real shame in your case, because almost any change would be an improvement.
Libra (Sept. 24 - Oct. 23) - You feel uncomfortable when your partner compares you to her father, especially when she says it's because you have the same size cock.
Scorpio (Oct. 24 - Nov. 22) - You are comfortable with your nude form. Some of the other commuters are positively shocked however.
Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - Ignore the previous version of this page. I thought the message was, “This week you will be drinking yourself into an early grave” but it was actually, “This week you will be drinking in an open grave.” Which is worse.
Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 20) - You find yourself increasingly repulsed by society’s capitalist and materialistic ways, especially when it is your turn to pay for dinner.
Aquarius (Jan. 21 - Feb. 19) - You have never really had any hang-ups about the size of your penis. If anything, it’s your vagina which you are self conscious of.
Pisces (Feb. 20 - March 20) - You can’t help feeling that US sitcoms have cheated you when you rock up to New York, get a job as a waitress, and find that the 1500 square-foot apartments the characters always could afford are about 1400 square feet out of your price range.
Aries (March 21 - April 20) - The first magical signs of the irrevocable changing of the seasons come this week, as you stop masturbating in your shorts and start masturbating in your sweat pants.
Taurus (April 21 - May 21) - The most long-awaited period of your life comes, as you finally finish the last chapter of Ulysses.
Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - Having “ants in your pants” is supposed to mean you are restless, but you find the reality of having ants in your pants lends itself much more to screaming hysterically, stamping, scrubbing, showering and crying.
Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - You are forced to admit you are addicted to sex on Tuesday, as your partner catches you cheating while having intercourse with her.
Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - Celebrations are in order as your start-up manages to set up its 100,000th 
“FREE WIFI” network which tempts users into connecting and then NEVER FUCKING ACTUALLY WORKS.