UnNews:Horoscopes - 23rd November
Monday, November 23, 2015
Scorpio (Oct. 24 - Nov. 22) - On Saturday night you dance your ass off. It causes horror on the dancefloor initially, but then an impromptu football match breaks out.
Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - You discover the only downside to working at the baby oil factory - it’s very hard to get ahold of your coworkers.
Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 20) - Reading comments pages online, you decide that there is a fine line between stupidity and irony - and it’s called the US-Canada border.
Aquarius (Jan. 21 - Feb. 19) - Fifty years after the height of the civil rights movement, you direct a porno called Malcolm XXX, in which the male stars change the lyrics of ‘’We Shall Overcome’’ to ‘’We Shall Come Over’’.
Pisces (Feb. 20 - March 20) - Your girlfriend breaks up with you, claiming your OCD has become too much for her. On the bright side, she did make you ejaculate 169 times during the length of your relationship, and you have the spreadsheet to prove it.
Aries (March 21 - April 20) - After years of loving ‘’The Sopranos’’, ‘’The Wire’’ and ‘’Game of Thrones’’ among many others, you now get a semi every time you hear that HBO aaaaaaaah ident (pictured).
Taurus (April 21 - May 21) - You spend the whole week lighting up motherfuckers like it ain't no thing.
Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - You impress women when you tell them you run your own business, until you eventually have to reveal that that just means you’re a shoe-shine.
Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - Take the average amount of time it takes you to respond to an email when someone is doing you a favour, and subtract it from the amount of time it takes you to respond to an email where you have to do someone a favour, and that’s apparently how much of a cunt you are.
Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - Your boss humiliates you at work on Friday by insisting you spend the whole day doing the twist.
Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 23) - Your grandmother’s eyesight isn't what it used to be, as you notice when you discover her using your anal beads as a rosary.
Libra (Sept. 24 - Oct. 23) - Your name hasn't gone down in history, as you would have liked, but it is now on several sex offenders’ registers.