UnNews:Horoscopes - 15th October
Thursday, October 15, 2015
Libra (Sept. 24 - Oct. 23) - When your partner asks you what you want for your birthday, try hard not to say “Permission to sleep with a busty black stripper”.
Scorpio (Oct. 24 - Nov. 22) - Draping lightly melted chocolate over your wife’s breasts totally wrecks the impression you make at the Republican debate.
Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - A visit to your parents’ house this week is full of nostalgia - the same room, same home cooking, same waiting outside the school gates.
Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 20) - Your habit of licking the bowl clean when you finish eating has to stop, especially during Holy Communion.
Aquarius (Jan. 21 - Feb. 19) - You risk a major racial rift with your parents when you bring home a Gemini girl.
Pisces (Feb. 20 - March 20) - Like a cat, you always land on your feet. And like a cat, your diet consists mostly of cat food.
Aries (March 21 - April 20) - This week you ask yourself “what would Jesus do?” and the answer is he wouldn’t have put that in there in the first place, or taken any of those, or squirted that over them.
Taurus (April 21 - May 21) - You vow to spend the whole week asking, “Excuse me, do you work here?” to the richest looking people at the shopping mall.
Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - You find out you were christened Bob because that was what your mother did best, according to your dad.
Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - You manage to get your stool sample into that impossibly small jar, and then hand it into the receptionist at the doctor’s. it will be interesting to see how they react when they realise no one asked you for it.
Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - When a TV crew tries to bust you this week over certain unpleasant allegations, just say the word “cunt” over and over so they can’t broadcast anything.
Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 23) - She may be a replicant, but when she goes down on you, it really makes your circuits tingles. Wait a minute, YOU HAVE CIRCUITS TOO?!?!?