UnNews:Horoscopes - 10th May
Sunday, May 10, 2015
Taurus (April 21 - May 21) - You wish your genital warts would go away. Not the most traditional thing to say when blowing out your birthday candles.
Gemini (May 22 - June 21) - You win big on the lottery, as you finally qualify as one of the charitable causes the fund gives donations to.
Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - You bring shame upon the family name. Three times during the week and twice on the weekend.
Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - You’re not the smartest, nor the most good-looking, nor the most successful person in the world, but you keep your relationship going by constantly offering your partner oral sex.
Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 23) - Thursday is a dark day as you really start to think about the fact that Adam Sandler is a much richer and more successful person than you are.
Libra (Sept. 24 - Oct. 23) - Amid more violence over depictions of Mohammed, you wonder, if no Muslim has ever drawn him, how do these damn extremists manage to recognise pictures of him?
Scorpio (Oct. 24 - Nov. 22) - Your girlfriend tells you she only has eyes for you. If she only had the same attitude towards her ass and pussy.
Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - You inadvertently ruin your French girlfriend’s gourmet dinner of snails in garlic when you unthinkingly shake some salt on them.
Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 20) - When you consider smuggling crack cocaine in your rectum, well, that’s rock bottom.
Aquarius (Jan. 21 - Feb. 19) - During your visit to Bangkok, make sure you avoid any encounters with ladyboys by asking any prostitute you solicit to first throw a ball overarm before you take them back to the hotel. (See video)
Pisces (Feb. 20 - March 20) - Your friend is very sympathetic when you tell him you spent the whole weekend indoors, reheating frozen pizzas, masturbating, and playing computer games. I don’t think he realises you are boasting.
Aries (March 21 - April 20) - Upon learning that the Scottish National Party leader is called Sturgeon, and her predecessor was Salmond, you can’t help thinking there is something fishy going on in Scottish politics.