UnNews:Horoscopes -11th September
Sunday, September 11, 2016
Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 23) - Today you commemorate 9/11, but American Virgos and Iranian Virgos do not do it in the same way.
Libra (Sept. 24 - Oct. 23) - You have a haircut a man could set his watch by this week, as the hairdresser shaves everything off except for one single strand which he gels into a vertical position, giving you a fully functioning sun dial.
Scorpio (Oct. 24 - Nov. 22) - A possible threesome you were setting up online gets away from you when you try to write “bet you two have such pretty ‘’faces’’” but it comes out as ‘’faeces’’.
Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - When a friend of a friend says something vile, you hit back with “Do you kiss your mother with that tongue?” which was almost the correct thing to say, but not quite.
Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 20) - You show your solidarity with mothers who want to breastfeed in public by not looking away when they do it. Actually, you tend to look directly at the boob the whole time.
Aquarius (Jan. 21 - Feb. 19) - Your fetish for clamping and cutting women’s breasts leads unexpectedly to a lucrative career in cosmetic surgery.
Pisces (Feb. 20 - March 20) - After making some crass, uninformed remarks at work, you defend yourself by explaining you are simply training to be the next Republican candidate.
Aries (March 21 - April 20) - Your girlfriend leaves you, describing you as a selfish lover, which really upsets you, as you thought your anal/facial quickie had something for everyone.
Taurus (April 21 - May 21) - The KKK, worried about the rise of the Alt-Right, come to your PR company with the desire to attract new young racists, so you rebrand them the KKKK, the Ku Klux Klan Klub.
Gemini (May 22 - June 21) - While you used to think of yourself as the phattest badass, with the passing of time you have become the baddest fatass.
Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - At Christmas you thought crystal made the perfect gift for your partner, but nine months on you regret getting her hooked on meth.
Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - The presence of Pluto in your sign means a lot of ball-licking this week. If you are a girl that means you have to lick balls, if you are a guy that means you are going to get your balls licked - that is how the cosmic balance of the universe works.