UnNews:Hermione Kills Harry to Destroy Voldemort
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
19 July 2007
LONDON, United Kingdom -- The final ending of the Harry Potter series has been leaked online, causing much investigation into J.K. Rowling's history of drug abuse.
To the great surprise of many fans, the final installment of Harry Potter was leaked a week early [1]. There has been rampant speculation as to how the series would end, with some going as far as suggesting that Voldemort would prevail. However, the true and final ending of the famed Harry Potter series is now known : Harry dies at the hands of his lover, Hermione (Spoiler Alert!). Eyewitnesses claim that Hermione (under the influence of Fred and George's "reversing rum") held the wand backwards when she cast avada kedavra on Voldemort, her true love. Harry, like the hero that he is, was behind Hermione at the time and received the full force of the curse somewhere between his belly button and his knees. When Hermione saw what she had done, she immediately asked all those around her whether her form was correct. When they informed her that it wasn't, she attempted to turn her wand on herself, but due to the reversing rum, she in fact killed Voldemort, an act that most assumed would bring the series to an end. However, J.K. Rowling has long stated that she does not want any unauthorized sequels of her novels, and so has killed off the rest of the characters in unique and ingenious ways. They are as follows:
Ron: Slips on a banana peel. Dies of massive internal trauma.
Snape: Dumbledore's ghost shoves said banana peel down his throat.
Lucius Malfoy: Sentenced to death for molesting his son (who he drugged with potions obtained from Snape).
Draco Malfoy: Slits his wrists in a plea for attention
Umbridge: Gets laid and dies of shock.
Neville: Dies during sexual intercourse due to a violent allergic reaction to pink cardigans.
Luna: Gets mauled by a Thestral; none of those present attempt to help her. They are only able to see the Thestrals after she had perished.
Hermione: Attempts a violent rampage through Hogwarts (due her broken heart) with her illegally purchased 12-gauge shotwand (with a sawed off barrel) and 9mm cauldron. This time aware of the reversing rum, she made sure to turn her shotwand on herself. Unfortunately, the spell had worn off, and her rampage was short lived.
Hagrid: Collapses under his own weight after eating Buckbeak, forming a black hole in the middle of Hogwarts, destroying the campus, thus definitively ending the series.
J.K. Rowling: Blew her brains out to ensure that she couldn't be coerced into writing an eighth volume.
In an interesting twist on fan fanaticism, thousands of angry teenage fans rioted through the streets of London due to the lack of adult material in the Deathly Hallows, as they had hoped to see Emma Watson and Alan Rickman "waggle their wands" and play a game of "find the snitch". More as it breaks.
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Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows