UnNews:Hard Times for a Hard Industry

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

30 September 2009

LOS ANGELES, California-- Local Detroiters have been complaining of the recent slump in the automotive industry. Sales in the last five years for the big three have penetrated deep into the bout of recession. For an industry that employs about 25 million people, such a recession is no joke. Many families have been placed in a sticky situation, living pay-check to pay-check. Yet, in such recession it has been noted that the certain industries have historically always thrust the competition. Noted as recession proof industries, the alcohol, tobacco, and porn companies have never faced such a dry period, until now.

The Dilemma

It has been noted that the porn industry, accustomed to yearly bangs, has had one of the hardest busts, facing worse sales than Ford, GM, or Chrysler. Recent studies have shown that revenues in this industry have been down between 30-80%, with new coming porn actresses having to resort to bourgeois prostitution and hookerism. Male porn actors are facing even a worse turn in this recession, averaging a pay of $300 for a straight scene. “How do my producers expect me to pay child support for my 13 children on a $300 dollar check?!” asks a frustrated male porn actor Backdoor Billy. Surprisingly, Mr. Kleenex has not reported any down turn in sales; yet a marginal profit this quarter (stock price reported at $69.04).

Fuck you Mr. Kleenex

Piracy

Some people have started fingering online pirating. One physics student claims, “Whenever I want to apply the right hand rule to myself, I just go search Google. This stuff is everywhere!!!” With a myriad amount of “tube sites” available to the public, any monkey can get to know himself and buff his banana any time he pleases. Even with recent 3G networks, and data plans on phones, the porn industry is further losing out on public viewage. Producer Evan Everhard says “We, as professionals, are missing out on exponential profits. Imagine, one could crank his wank on his way to work, and none would be the wiser! He or she might even be more relaxed and less stressed for the upcoming meeting or presentation, yet this piracy has shanked the industry!” DVD rentals are also down due to the plethora of videos on the internet, claimed to have fallen 10 to 15%. “I miss the days when young and old, gay and straight, black and white, were judged by the content of their videos, not the content of their character,” says Safe Sex Shop owner Vladimir Grey The Fifth, also owner of stores such as “Vladimir’s Candy Store” and “The Fifth Watering Hole”, a local pub of questionable repertoire.

Take what you will

This 13 billion dollar industry will soon hopefully bounce back and arise to its notorious standing that it once held. Just keep in mind next time you’re polishing your wand, whose hard work you’re abusing. You wouldn’t want such nasty habits, like stealing, to rub off on to your children would you? Be an example, buy your porn.

Don't be one of them

Sources

• "Hard Times" The Economist, September 10, 2009