UnNews:Guy who gets Absolutely Zero Pussy Affirms Logic and Reason
Friday, April 25, 2025
“If she were truly intelligent, she would recognize the inherent validity of my arguments...”
Dateline, Seattler: Rev. Dr. Patricia Patis Reports,
Article[edit | edit source]
In a landmark study published today in the Journal of Interpersonal Dynamics, researchers have isolated an individual who has claimed to arrive at Universal Truth through the process of logical deduction; while this would be remarkable on its own, the study has shown that this man represents The Absolute Zero of Getting Pussy. The study's lead author, Dr. Snarley Farley, explains the key findings.
We found our subject by narrowing down who has the most reddit gold, the most github commits, which led us to Gary Schmitt, a 32-year-old computer programmer from Michigan, an utterly humorless man who doesn't laugh at jokes except ones which reference Lego's and Lord of The Rings, affirms his own clever deductions and admonishes those who fail to see the carefully constructed nature of a coldly mechanistic, clockwork universe.
Where others see the messy, subjective realm of human emotions and social cues, Gary sees only a series of logical inconsistencies and cognitive biases waiting to be conquered. This steadfast belief in the supremacy of logic over all else is the foundation upon which Gary has built his romantic life. Where others may rely on intuition, emotional connection, or simple human empathy, Gary sees only a series of variables to be analyzed and conquered through the sheer force of his rational prowess.
And the results, as one might expect, have been disastrous. Gary's dating history reads like a litany of failed "experiments," each one meticulously planned and executed according to the principles of his beloved scientific method. Yet no matter how many times he "tests" his theory of romantic success, the outcome remains stubbornly the same.
When approaching a potential romantic interest, Gary forgoes the usual social niceties, instead launching into a robotic dissertation on the finer points of logical fallacies and empirical analysis. He'll pepper the conversation with esoteric references to philosophers and scientific principles, pausing expectantly for the woman to be suitably impressed by his erudition.
Of course, the typical response is one of bewilderment and rapidly waning interest. The woman will stare back at Gary, her expression a perplexing blend of revulsion and pity, as he drones on about the nature of empiricism and the shortcomings of intuitive thinking. One "suitor", a totally random stranger that Schmitt approached creepily in a public space, commenting on how "adorable" she was, remarked that, "I swear, when I heard him start yapping about how possible it would be to construct a Lightsaber, I could feel my vagina dry up like a raisin in the sun."
"It's not that I can't get a date - it's that I refuse to lower myself to the level of these vapid, illogical bimbos who populate the dating pool," Gary fumed, adjusting the suspenders of his outdated and oversized tweed suit. "They simply aren't capable of appreciating the depth and nuance of my intellect."
More as this story develops.