UnNews:Go figure: horny tiger offs cheating Canadian

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

13 May 2007

Tonya Dumty-Doo, 32, was severely injured at the Siberian Magic erotic animal park in Big Lick British Columbia, Canada after being attacked by a Bengal Tiger named Bangus.

The owner of the illegal erotic animal park is Carl Kimton, and boyfriend of Dumty-Doo who was attacked today by a tiger. Tonya was happily married to Dicky Doo for 8 years, but only recently met Carl and had been slipping away to the erotic park during lunch hours.

According to eyewitnesses, Dumtey-Doo was bending over very close to the horny tiger's cage when he popped the lock with a tiger claw and immediately mounted her. According to the mayor of nearby Williams Lake, Scott Nelson, all of the injuries inflicted onto Dumtey-Doo were at her waist and below, consisting mostly of an over-stretched vagina. She was taken to a local hospital where she was pronounced satisfied. She was tested for pregnancy, and was reportedly in a rage because she was "having kittens."

Authorities with the B.C. Society of the Protection of Cruelty to Animals are not surprised that the attack happened, claiming that they have multiple reports of Bangus getting loose looking for some "poon-tang", and that they tried to remove the tigers from the park several times before. Occasionally, park officials had to remove tigers from unsuspecting visitors.

The reason that the horney tigers were not removed from the park is because, according to Prof. Moriarty, the SPCA does not have the facilities to hold horny tigers until proper housing can be provided for them. Reporters asked why rubber dolls had not been provided to the tigers. Prof Moriarty responded "We tried it. But the tigers have difficulty blowing them up. And once the dolls are ready 'for use' their claws make it impractical."

In the future the tigers will be given sensivity training, and will be taught the use of condoms and "will be required" to practice "safe sex." Bizarrely, the tiger's nickname is Olipro.

Dumtey-Doo worked as a receptionist and saleswoman at the 100 Mile House Advisor newspaper, but is reportedly thinking of changing careers. "I'm a feminist now." she proclaimed. "I'm interested in understanding why Tigers are violent even in what should be tender sexual matters." "There must be a way to change them, even if we have to neuter them as we have done with Canadian and American men" she said. Dicky Doo was not available for comment. He was reportedly having a reverse-vasectomy.