UnNews:Global Economy Wipes and Flushes

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

20 September 2008

Nongo Delu, New Guinea -- Here in the wilds of the cannibal nation it has become obvious that the global economy is in a dreadful tailspin. On the September 18th the futures market in shrunken heads fell 400 points, leaving many head-hunters scrambling to secure capital for the rainy season.

The CEO and chief financial officer of Fannie Mae, weary of the bloodshed and begging for government succor. Suckers.

Then on the 19th the 350-year-old Lehman Tribe declared bankruptcy, revealing that they had leveraged assets consisting of two dried human feet and a half-grown pig into a multi-billion-dollar multinational debt structure with connections to the American home-loan market, Japanese sushi futures, British knighthoods, and Icelandic honey speculation. The headman of the Lehman Tribe begged for a government bailout, but the New Guinea Department of Finances merely sent a banker around to spear him a few times in the gut.

Meanwhile, on New York's fabled Wall Street, the banking industry was cannibalizing itself. Headhunters rioted on the stock market floor. Poison arrows and spears flew thick and wild, and all indicators were that more major loan underwriters would be dead on the carpet by closing time. However, a rally on September 20th jump-started the stalled heart of the mortgage industry and blood began to pump once again from its severed arteries. Too bad it was Saturday and the market was closed.

Into the Toilet

The Uncyclopedia reporting team tracked down Fed chairman Ben Bernanke in a Washington DC public restroom. (Larry Craig was not in evidence, though someone was tapping his feet frantically in one of the stalls.) We asked Chairman Bernanke to tell us what the hell was going on in the financial industry.

"It's easier to show you than to describe the situation," Bernanke said. He lead us to a befouled and graffiti-smeared toilet. "Look in there," he said, pointing to the porcelain convenience.

"Good Lord," we cried in repugnance. "It's the global economy! Floating in the toilet bowl, spinning slightly amid shreds of soiled tissue, and stinking worse than New Jersey."

"That's right," Bernanke said. "I don't know about you, but I've already pulled my IRA and put it into a Swiss bank account. All my savings are now in an offshore bank in the Caymans. And I am putting a lot of money into shrunken heads, too. That's always a safe bet. I've bought futures in Chris Cox's head, for instance."

Government Response

The US government has acted quickly to stem the flood of bad debt. President Bush has had financial agents supplied with huge numbers of paper sacks, and they have fanned out through the nation to contact each and every taxpayer or potential taxpayer, or, in fact, anyone with a pulse. They have been ordered to distribute the bags to every American.

So that's the government solution to the malfeasance of the financial industry and failed oversight: everyone else gets left holding the bag.

Sources

• Simon Hoortpukker "[ Markets Crash in New Guinea, Global Economy Threatened]" New Amsterdam Times-Roman, Sept 20, 2008