UnNews:Falwell's Death Linked to Gays, Feminists, Liberals
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
17 May 2007
As the tragic death of Jerry Falwell continues to shock the nation, new developments are emerging about the suspicious nature of his death. Apparently, two suspects have been picked up outside the Liberty campus. Police have not released names, but the young men appear to be a gay couple, and are, according to earlier reports, "confirmed, card-carrying liberals." This brings further doubt to the already-incredulous story that Jerry Falwell would expire without the rapture occurring, as he was, according to a press statement by God in 1983, the herald whose natural death would bring forth the Apocalypse. Obviously, Gays, liberals, and feminists are to blame for this sadistic and heinous attempt to delay God's wrath on their sinful hides. "We're not sure for now, but off the record, we're pretty sure they're guilty." Says Police Sergeant Ray Colby. "We think that the [evil sodomites in question] knew that the end was coming, and, unlike brave, heterosexual men, they did the most pansy-ass thing they could do: they tried to delay the apocalypse, rather than face their maker. If they hadn't have chosen such an immoral and corrupt lifestyle, maybe they would have had the balls to face God like a real man.
Others believe Feminists and different liberal factions may have also played a part. Noted feminist chieftan Gloria Allred has already been brought in for questioning. Recent reports say she has been let go in favor of a new elusive suspect, known to Police only as "Oprah". Several other inquiries have been made to leaders of the gay, feminist, and liberal cults. Prominent liberal and suspected homosexual John Edwards has refused to answer questions, but the campaign headquarters of Barak Obama, a dangerous black man apparently worshipped among most sick, perverted liberals, issued an official statement, calling the whole inquiry "ridiculous" and "a terrible misuse of legal authority". SWAT cars are encircling his home at this very moment.
Whatever happens, it is certain: gays, liberals, and feminists are involved in this fray somehow. Authorities have yet to determine who was specifically involved, but until the specific perpetrators have been caught, an official statement has been released that Pat Robertson, the next Messiah, has been placed under heavy security at Camp David. A spokesman for the late Reverend Falwell issued these final words of wisdom: "At least, in these troubled, Godless times, America will be safe."