UnNews:FDA identifies, bans new drug
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
30 September 2009
Rockville, MD - The FDA recently identified and prohibited a new and dangerous recreational drug known in street slang as 'Hotness.' The move came amid concerns that widespread abuse of the substance is causing irrational and potentially dangerous behavior, even among non-addicts. Hotness is a (frequently synthetic) opioid known for inducing feelings of profound relaxation and euphoria. However, even infrequent use can result in extreme physical and psychological dependency, irrational behavior, and eventually death. Like many opioids, Hotness can lead to debilitating tolerance in which users to be unable to maintain their 'high' without increasing doses of 'Hot.'
FDA representative Thomas Fillmore explains, "The real danger of Hotness is that it does not require any specialized equipment to administer. It is primarily ingested optically and so there is no need for syringes, pipes, or other related paraphenalia. The our other major concern is that the media is increasingly portraying Hotness as being more widespread than it actually is, which is having disastrous effects in people's attempts to acquire it."
In addition to feelings of delirium and euphoria, Hotness manifests a number of unpleasant side effects, including:
- Delirium
- Analgesia
- Tachycardia
- Hyperventilation
- Insomnia
- Priapism
Hotness, in and of itself, often leads to a number of disruptive effects on the user's life. However, the real danger is caused by the extremely painful and potentially lethal effects of depriving an addict. Common symptoms of Hotness withdrawal include:
- Depression
- Suicidal Ideation
- Excessive Lacrimation
- Compulsive Masturbatory Acts
- Actually listening to James Blunt
Hotness is also considered a 'gateway drug,' because addicts often seek out other drugs to abuse when Hotness is no longer available. Given that a user can become addicted after being exposed to Hotness even once, the FDA cautions the public to exercise extreme care and spend most of their waking hours watching "The View" to prevent accidental exposure.