UnNews:Easter Bunny Served by Local Restaurant

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

19 April 2014

Oops!

In what has been termed an "unfortunate accident", restaurant Le Chat Delicieux sautéed the Easter Bunny and served it to members of the local chapter of the Elks club at their monthly business meeting. The restaurant, which specializes in exotic meats, has rabbit on their regular menu, but the animals used previously came from local farms, and were generally less well known than the Easter Bunny.

Police first became concerned when reported sightings of the Easter Bunny abruptly dropped during the last week of Lent. Police chief Joey Wizzwacker explained that this time of year, "the phone's ringing off the hook, I saw the Easter Bunny here, there's a rabbit in a funny hat there, but about a week ago, it all stopped. Nothing. I thought, that can't be right." The police used a pack of Norwegian egg hounds to trail the Easter Bunny from the location of its last sighting to the service entrance of the restaurant, where the trail ended.

Restaurateur Fritz Bonchat said that at first he was sure the police had made a mistake, and it had been some other rabbit. Subsequently, he explained that it had just been a simple misunderstanding. "Ven zee rappit iz showing up at zee backdoor, like a delivery truck, what we iz suppozed to tink? Natural, we tink, iz here for dinner. If you zee what I mean."

Police chief Wizzwacker isn't happy with the explanation, however. He said he can't believe Bonchat didn't know this was no ordinary rabbit. He "should have been tipped off" by the eggs in the basket the rabbit was carrying. "Those were chocolate eggs" chief Wizzwacker said. "What ordinary rabbit carries around a basket of chocolate eggs?" The chief added that the rabbit was also wearing a little jacket, which is very rare among wild rabbits in this area.

Customers who attended the dinner had a different take on all this. We spoke to several of them, and they agreed that the rabbit was very bland. "It was OK with ketchup" said one diner, "but otherwise it was just kind of flat. I expected something better from Le Chat."

With Easter just hours away, authorities are still searching for a replacement for the Easter Bunny. If one can't be found in time, Easter may need to be postponed until later in the year. The first notion considered, which was to have an Easter Chicken, proved infeasible because chickens are birds, and couldn't be expected to produce eggs on Easter. While birds lay eggs 364 days a year, on the 365th day, which is Easter, only rabbits lay eggs.

Authorities also considered employing Santa Claus, since he's able to work miracles and is experienced in delivering large numbers of packages in a short time. Unfortunately, his well known obesity problems caught up with him this year. He's currently in the hospital recovering from a quadruple bypass operation, and wouldn't be able to deliver Easter baskets until August, at the earliest.

The Tooth Fairy was contacted, but refused to take on the work. She is able to carry a tooth easily enough, and perhaps a fifty cent piece (or a toonie, in Canada), but she claimed to be unable to lift the weight of a typical Easter basket. Since she's only about three inches tall, her refusal, though disappointing, did not come as a complete surprise.

Authorities are also considering an alternative which doesn't depend on one central entity to do all the work. IRS agents may be pressed into service to deliver Easter baskets. Since it's nearly tax day, they could deliver reminders to file on time along with the baskets, as well as copies of the newly updated schedule of late payment penalties. To the extent that it improved compliance with the filing deadlines, this plan would make everybody happy, and is consequently favored by a number of administration officials.