UnNews:Earthlike planet discovered
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
25 April 2007
Earth, today Scientists at the European Southern Observatory have discovered a distant planet that may be capable of sustaining life.
"And that's life... as we know it," said the head astronomer Johnny Cosmos, who then looked terribly disappointed at press corps' reluctance to laugh.
The planet - tentatively named "Unnamed Planet" is believed to be a rocky planet with surface temperature similar to that of Earth.
Scientific models suggest that the planet may have many of the necessities of life, such as liquid water, an oxygen rich atmosphere, a climate of social and ethnic intolerance and a vast number of pointless, low paying jobs that you hate.
The planet was detected using the very latest in "stellar wobble" detection equipment. "We knew we were onto something big," said researcher Dr. Al Thesis, "when I looked at the telescope's computerised controls, and saw that this planet was trying to get our mainframe's banking details so that someone called 'Gelno Thrug, the Zirium Prince' could transfer some money into its account for safekeeping.
"The computer didn't actually have an account, so I gave him mine," he added. "Man, I am going to be so rich!"
Facts about the new planet[edit | edit source]
- Unnamed Planet has five times the Earth's mass and twice the Earth's gravity, and yet only contains two Disneylands
- Spectromatic analysis indicates that the planet used to be cool, but sold out.
- Spectrographic analysis indicates that there's no such thing as spectromatic analysis.
- The early reports suggest that the planet's magnetosphere is very close to the surface, potentially helping to protect its inhabitants against its blogosphere, which is thought to be even more toxic than that of Earth.
- Could actually be a Death Star weapons station in production.
Sources[edit | edit source]
- Lois Lane "Space Planet found in Space!" The Daily Planet, April 25, 2007
- Vincent Yarfnaro "Foreign planet discovered, disdained" The Daily Mail, April 25, 2007